How to talk to your partner about plastic surgery

The scent of chocolate is thick in the air. Glittering hearts and reminders of love are everywhere you turn. It's Valentine's Day, a time to celebrate love in all its forms, whether that is hanging out with your gal pals or spending a romantic night out with a partner or spouse.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate the deep bonds and connections we have with the people important to us. One of the best ways to do that is to communicate with your partner, even about complex topics. Developing bonds with someone is about loving all that person is, including their personality quirks and imperfections, but what one person sees as a flaw, another may see as a feature that makes them unique.

What happens when you want to change something about yourself and are unsure how to broach the topic with your loved one, partner, friend or significant other? Are they going to be supportive? Will they understand how much this journey means to you and your self-esteem?

If you are ready to take the plastic surgery plunge, but aren't sure if your partner is going to be on board, it's time to hone your communication skills and have a conversation with your loved one about your plastic surgery choice.

Starting the plastic surgery discussion

Choosing to undergo any plastic surgery procedure is a profoundly personal choice. The only person capable of deciding whether to change something about yourselves is you. With that said, the journey is much easier when you have friends, family and a support system in place to help you.

"It is so important to have clear and honest communication with your partner when considering plastic surgery," said Karen Horton, MD, MSc, FACS. "Patients need physical, mental and emotional support before and after a procedure. Having the right setup in terms of loved ones being by your side can make a stressful time less daunting."

She recommends having an open conversation with your loved one.

"I think honesty is the best policy," said Dr. Horton. "Setting a time to sit down and talk about it is best, rather than an on-the-fly conversation. Often, partners don't know how much of an insecurity a body part can create. Explaining what procedures are being considered and, more importantly, why, is vital for understanding the motivations for surgery and to facilitate open communication around the topic."

When talking to staff and patients in her office, Kristy Hamilton, MD, explains that plastic surgery is a decision the patient made for themselves, simply informing their partner that this is what they wanted.

"They did not ask for permission," said. Dr. Hamilton. "The discussion they had was more focused on logistics for surgery, when they would be picked up, what support they might need, etc. This is interesting because I think it marks a shift culturally that plastic surgery has become mainstream and is no longer controversial."

The patient perspective

What is it like to have this in-depth conversation from a patient perspective? One patient offered to share her first-hand account of what it is like to talk to a loved one about the plastic surgery journey, and not just any plastic surgery patient, but a psychotherapist, certified sex therapist and women's health expert.

Carli Blau, LCSW, PhD, MEd, is the founder of a concierge mental health group practice serving New York, New Jersey and Florida. She shared her unique point of view about what it's like to explore the topic of plastic surgery with a partner or loved one.

"In my work as a sex therapist, I help women reconnect with their bodies, their confidence and their sense of sexual empowerment," said Dr. Blau. "For some patients, plastic surgery can be part of that journey, not about pleasing a partner, but about feeling more comfortable, confident and embodied in their own skin."

The first step in any plastic surgery journey is ensuring you are undergoing the procedure for the right reasons – yourself. It is a personal decision you need to make by reflecting on your aesthetic goals, desires and individual needs.

"When it comes to talking to a partner or spouse about considering plastic surgery, I encourage patients to frame the conversation around self-choice and self-care," said Dr. Blau. "This is something they are doing for themselves, whether for comfort, confidence, sexual well-being or overall self-esteem, not as a response to someone else's expectations. A helpful way to approach the conversation is to say that they've thoughtfully considered the procedure, weighed the risks and benefits and believe it would support their overall well-being."

Another patient, who wishes to remain anonymous, approached the conversation in a similar way with her spouse. “I just told him I was going to do it, and he said, ok,” the patient said. “I have always had poor self-image. I have never been completely happy with my body and wished I looked a certain way, which led to eating disorders when I was younger. Having liposuction helped me with this.”

Both patients echoed something Dr. Hamilton witnessed in her staff and patients, and that is not having a conversation centered around asking for permission, but basing the discussion on support and collaboration.

She spoke further on her point of view, saying, “Telling your partner (family) is important. However, ultimately the decision is yours. Having a partner who is supportive makes a world of difference for your mental and physical health.” 

She continued by discussing the importance of being comfortable talking to your partner and of being clear about your views. “Open communication is key to everything. Your partner is always going to say, 'You look perfect just the way you are, but you are living in your skin. If you want to have plastic surgery, then you should discuss this openly with your partner. It's important to discuss what you are having done, the possible budget, and timing. When your partner is part of the process, then they feel better, wanted, and needed.”

Romantic partners may also be sharing a budget, living arrangements, and household duties. The cost of surgery and the downtime needed for recovery can affect both parties and should be honestly discussed between partners so everyone can be part of developing solutions that work for the family. That may also help alleviate feelings of guilt or hesitation on the part of a partner who wants plastic surgery but has been putting it off to focus on the needs of others. 

Something that this patient brought up as a side note, saying, “I think women or moms feel guilty for taking this time for themselves because they are usually the ones doing everything for everyone.”

A final thought from Dr. Blau sums things up. She says, “Expressing a desire for emotional support, rather than permission, can shift the dynamic from defensiveness to collaboration. Ultimately, plastic surgery and aesthetic enhancements are most empowering when they are rooted in self-love, agency, and informed choice.”

Help everyone keep an open mind

The key is to start by having a conversation with yourself. Why do you want to take this journey, and what does it mean to you? When you have a solid answer, the conversation with your friends, family or partner becomes just a little bit easier. You come into the conversation in a position of confidence and can have an open and honest talk about why you want to get plastic surgery and what it means for your partner to support you during this time.

On the same token, take the time to listen to your spouse or romantic partner's perspective. They may not see the same "flaw" that you do. They may be concerned about your safety during a surgical procedure. These are valid concerns that they may want to share with you because they care about your health and safety. Show that you are willing to listen and find solutions that can help make them more comfortable with helping you move forward.

Both surgeons said bringing your loved one to your consultation or preoperative visit can help by allowing the surgeon to answer their questions and provide more information about the procedure, results and recovery.

"Inviting your loved one to the consultation is a good start," said Dr. Horton. "They can hear from the surgeon the risks and benefits, alternatives to surgery, potential complications, downtime and gain a realistic understanding of expected outcomes. This is called "informed consent."

Dr. Horton also requires the partner or family member to attend the preop appointment, so they understand the procedure and recovery. Patients may need help getting home and managing everyday tasks as they heal, depending on the surgery. A supportive and understanding partner is a huge help, physically and emotionally.

"I actually cancelled surgery a couple of times over the years because their partner didn't support their decisions," said Dr. Horton. "It turned into a marital counseling session, and everyone agreed that surgery should be postponed. We either never did the procedure or revisited it a couple of years later with full support of the partner."

Valentine's Day is all about celebrating love. Kick off the season by showing some love to yourself. It shows when you are confident and happy in your own skin, and that can only strengthen your relationships with others.

To find a qualified plastic surgeon for any cosmetic or reconstructive procedure, consult a member of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. All ASPS members are board certified by the American Board of Plastic Surgery, have completed an accredited plastic surgery training program, practice in accredited facilities and follow strict standards of safety and ethics. Find an ASPS member in your area.